Is There a Global Pandemic of Parenting Refusal?

The last few years have seen a marked increase in the incidence of school refusal at younger and younger ages to the extent that, within education, we now have specific personnel deployed to address this phenomenon with each ‘refusing’ child, on behalf of the school. Equally, in schools, there has also been an upsurge in the refusal of children and students to engage with certain aspects of the curriculum. This is managed in various ways, including withdrawing children from mainstream classrooms into smaller, more exclusive settings, alongside the greater use of multimedia presentations, often AI generated, and having students access learning more and more online. What is less acknowledged is that there is an emerging, indeed already established and burgeoning, trend in both teachers and parents to be averse to parenting children of all ages.

In effect, this presents as a refusal to parent.

'Only Experts are Equipped to Parent'

Behind this ‘refusal to parent’ are many often ostensibly justifiable reasons. Parents and teachers feel disempowered to parent in the face of children’s increasing complex diagnoses. The rising statistics of all the ‘neurodivergent’ labels from ADHD to PDA and the various presentations of autism, as well dyslexia, dysgraphia, language and speech disorders, fine and gross motor incapacities, all leave teachers and parents feeling ill equipped to parent the children in their care as they are not paediatric ‘experts’ on how to engage with these diagnoses. In the classroom, it is rare for a teacher to be on top of the plethora expert recommendations on how to engage with every single diagnosis that presents in the classroom as s/he could make a mistake, s/he might be insensitive or wrong in their approach, with the ultimate potential of having ‘scarred a child for life’ because of their actions. Hence, it is seen as preferable not to do anything, rather than be responsible for such an action. This may often result in a psychological pandering to the entitlement of the child to be ‘special’ and exempt from the standards and expectations that apply to other children, and indeed to all adults.

This complexity is further intensified when the school system itself perceives there to be a high level of risk in meting out consequences to ‘neurodivergent’ students. This effect is then compounded by the education system’s requirement for extensive reporting of every incident that occurs on top of an already full workload for class teachers. Whilst these reporting protocols do assure that every detail is attended to in full, and that all policies are adhered to, the practicality of having the time to complete these reports may generate systemic overwhelm and a reluctance 'to go there' at all by some teachers. This inevitably results in many behaviours being conveniently or diplomatically overlooked, and generates a malaise within educators, as teachers feel less equipped and less supported to address the behaviours that they are witnessing daily.

This, in effect, often leads to a ‘non-approach’ to the parenting of children in schools that is compounded by self-perceptions of inefficacy by parents at home.

It is this systemisation of complexity, and the overwhelm of the adults at school and at home, that results in non-responsive, and ultimately, inadequate parenting across the board.

Is Parenting Actually Simple?

As a society, we have steered off course from the simplicity of parenting and into the jaws of complexity. Parenting in its foundation is actually simple. Note – not necessarily easy, because it calls for a depth of steadfastness and unwavering consistency on the part of the adult that relatively few seem willing or able to engage; but simple when we are aware of the values inherent in its 101 foundations.

In its simplicity, parenting presents to children ~

1.   How to respect and look after the physical body

and

2.  How to be a responsible participant in a group.

The Parenting of Responsivity to the Physical Body

Respect and honouring of the physical body is the cornerstone of parenting. Whether we are building true routines with foundational life skills like brushing teeth, making the bed, keeping your room tidy, or toileting when the body requires this; or whether we are expanding on these to parent our children to truly nourish the body, or to respond to its innate sensitivity to register and to express what is happening in all areas of life, the acceptance, and thence the embrace of, our physicality is the most foundational aspect of true parenting.

Issues with alcohol and drugs, running with the crowd and submitting to the pressure of teenage peers to engage in risky behaviours, over and under eating disorders, ‘sexting’  and promiscuity, cannot take root in a foundation that holds the physical body as a valued and trusted friend, rather than as an object of despise that comes with a ‘licence to trash’  it, at whim.

To be a true model in this for children, teachers and parents needs must demonstrate the same - that they too live this foundational standard, however imperfectly this may be. There is assuredly a responsibility in attending to our physicality that is rarely observed within our current society. Hence, the need to parent such responsibility at the grass roots level – in the home and in schools.

Parenting for Responsible Participation in Groups

In spite of global trends to work from home and hence to rarely engage with others face to face, or exclusively online, nonetheless we need to parent our children to participate responsibly in all group settings. From the family setting through to the class group that one is part of at school; to groups that children engage with for leisure (sporting groups, gymnastic and dance groups, theatrical groups, girl guides, scouts), and then later in life, the groups one engages with professionally at work, there is a constant call for all of us to participate in groups that go beyond the narrow confines of the nuclear family.

Would we have so many group dynamics, so many office politics, so much bullying and withdrawal at work, if we parented our young from young in how to engage with others in a group and presented why this is so needed?

Guiding our children from first foundations of simply being aware of others, thence to turn taking, and later the more advanced skills of how to communicate and express yourself in a group whilst listening to and valuing the contributions of others, are all skills that can be nurtured and confirmed in our children and students. The navigating of conflict is also an essential skill that can be presented from an early age. Emotional literacy and intelligence are as highly significant in schools and at home, as they are later in life in industry.

The Authority of a True Parent

These 101 foundations can only be asserted when the adult holds themselves in the authority of presenting to a child what is true. We need to care deeply enough about our children to authorise and implement the corrections of what is not in accord with what they, and we, actually are, and to lovingly correct any deviation from our baseline standards of decency, respect and integrity – at all ages. This requires a consistency of responsibility on the part of the parent / teacher. Deep within, we all know that selectively ignoring all the ‘little’ things results in the instability of the ‘big’ things in life. We do not become a safe and responsible adult driver by being allowed to hoon around as a child on a scooter or bike in disregard of all road rules and other road users as just one example. 

Failure to parent in the little things, ultimately is the shaky foundation that grows only the seeds of irresponsibility later in life.

‘Firm but Fair’ Revisited in the 21st Century

The ‘firm but fair’ orientation to parenting in the classroom was a 101 in the latter decades of the 20th century. Its principle of consistency remains foundational today. Boundaries and standards that are set, need to apply to everybody in a group – children, parents, colleagues, the principal, guests – everyone.  The benefits that accrue from this are immediately evident in any group that is consistent with its principles in actual practice. Such groups enjoy a true dynamic of working together as a group and not as a cluster of competing, self-serving individuals. Consequences and pull ups back into the group standards are integral in that they too apply to all. Consistency then allows the entire group to focus on upholding the agreed upon standards so that all members of the group are purposeful in their participation. This extends to not allowing ‘social loafing’, withdrawal, disrespect or any form of abuse within the group.

There is also a collective responsibility for all members to be aware of what is truly needed for all to flourish within the group, and to bring sensitive responsivity to any members who may be addressing any internal issues or problems that impact their full participation in the group. Established group standards give permission for adults and children to express what is going on for them. The cultivation of discernment allows members to be aware of what is true and to slough off what is not, or is being abused.

The capacity to participate in a group rests upon the first requirement in parenting: to respect and honour the physical body. Bodies do not abuse or act irresponsibly; it is the mind that resides within the body, the corrupted or pandered to mind, that is the source of disrespect to the physical body and of disrespect to others.

By parenting this mind in the two simple, but not easy, principles of true parenting, we support our children to maximise their own potential and develop their capacity and confidence to engage fully in groups, where they become the ones that set the standard for harmonious interactivity and mutuality.

The alternative is to sustain the unsustainable global pandemic of parenting refusal that feeds only global tension, conflict, irresponsibility and separation from each other.